Who am I to write a blog? Why would anyone read it, and what could it possibly be about?
I asked myself these questions before choosing to start my very own blog. The truth, I decided, is that it does not matter if anyone reads it, and it is not even about what I have to say… but that I actually start to do something in the world. For me, right now, its necessary to take action, potentially influencing the lives of others for the better is a constant aim in my life, and the opportunity to do both at once seems like a win-win situation.
So why wouldn’t I write a blog? Not as simple…
I have been working on improving myself for the better part of the last five years, however increasingly so in isolation. I found that, as much as I kept changing and growing, the important relationships I found myself in remained the same. Frustrated and exhausted from maintaining my newfound sense of self amongst the same old conflict, I spent as much time as possible alone, despite my social nature, to regroup and figure out how to fix that.
Eventually, the prospect of opening myself up to new people and situations in the hopes of a different outcome seemed pointless, and I retreated to my cozy “bat cave” whenever I wasn’t obligated to be anywhere. Then, I lost my job, and almost simultaneously put the last nail in the coffin of my last relationship. I felt incredibly relieved and free; I no longer had to negotiate the two dominant and demanding relationships that had consumed two years of my life.
Hold on just a second; being unemployed and breaking up are supposed to be the bad parts?
The joy in liberation subsided to reflection, and the post-mortems of my career and relationship both revealed another, much deeper layer of self-restoration was required. How was I so exhausted from the daily drama that I completely missed the bigger picture? For months, I consciously knew I was approaching and then precariously perching on the edge of a dangerous cliff, I had time and opportunity to avoid my fate, but slowly, painfully, inexplicably did nothing to stop it.
For someone concerned with progress and self-actualization, I grew increasingly concerned with my inability to turn down a road, any road other than the one leading to the cliff, long before it became my kamikaze mission; but, nothing, why not? I meant to.
With my savings and severance to cushion my eventual downfall slightly, and with my days now free, I ordered and devoured as many books as possible to understand my [lack thereof] behavior. I am and handle myself very differently now, so why did I still end up in the very same pattern I changed myself to avoid in the first place?
It was almost cruel of the Universe to give me more chaos after all my hard work and conscious effort to improve my life and myself. All I got from it was a front row seat to my own funeral.
Nevertheless, I knew enough about self-development then not to even think to blame the Universe for my predicament, even if it may have seemed harsh at the time. I had seen more than enough in my 29 years to know the Universe is fair and just, so I looked for a lesson behind my crash and burn; many emerged.
Self-awareness allowed me to focus for the first time on how I chose to respond to conflict, and with my boss and my X as my trainers, I was in the position to develop, practice and refine my conflict-resolution skills and endurance; before I started, I avoided conflict at all costs. Supporting myself financially for the first time, I learned how to budget, and prioritize my expenditures as I saw fit, and living alone in NYC provided me with independence, variety and sanctuary.
Like the Universal truths that exist, so too do healthy, reciprocal relationships, though I have yet to experience this. Clearly, I know I am somehow the cause of my problem, but how (uch, and why)? I was consciously choosing my every word and action, but, as it turns out, consciousness, effort and intention is just a part of the equation.
The answer was in my subconscious, and will be the subject of my next post. As does life, my first-ever blog entry ends where it began; I am a person on a journey, just like all of you. I believe each life serves a purpose and every person has a unique message to share with the world, although I remain unclear about what mine is to become. I am certain, however, that by sharing my story with the world, I have just leapt in the right direction.
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed my first-ever blog entry and look forward to hearing your comments and about your personal journeys at [email protected].
Until our paths cross again,